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A Challenging Golf Game
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but kept rolling directly toward a water hazard. Moses quickly raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long drive directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball back onto the green.
The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and veered toward a nearby tree.
From there, the ball bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog screamed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
Meditation
"Meditation - You have the right to remain silent."
"Don't just do something, sit there."
"Life is hard. It's breathe, breathe, breathe, all the time."
Part 1
What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."
Part 2
When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?" The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."
Two men meet on the street.
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I dont know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The younger monk came out of his meditation and said: "Flag is flapping."
A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping."
A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."
The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"
Funny Bumper Stickers
"Procrastinate now"
"My Karma ran over my Dogma!!"
"Never drive faster than your angel can fly!!"
"I'd rather be in Samadhi"
"Out of body. Will be back in 15 minutes!"
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
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You Think English is Easy???
Can you read these right the first time?1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish ?furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP, so.......... Time to shut UP.!
Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
European English
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union
rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and
has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will
make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such
as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil
sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
======
"The French don't have a word for Entrepreneur"
George W. Bush - Champion of the English Language
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Rude Parrot
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute silence.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
The Mightiest Animal
A lion woke up one morning feeling rowdy. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"
Later, the lion confronted a deer and bellowed, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified deer stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree, stomped on him and then ambled away.
The battered lion hollered after the elephant, "Sheesh, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset."
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Hu's On First
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
By James Sherman
Characters:
A President named George Bush
A National Security Advisor named Conoliza Rice
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Intelligent Americans
President George Bush is on a trip to several European countries. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they are intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions" says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate".
The Queen phones Tony Blair, puts him on a speakerphone and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question for me. Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am".
"Correct. Thank you and goodbye sir". Says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. President?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test.
He calls Dick Cheney first and says, "Hi, Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question for me?"
"Why of course, Mr. President, What's on your mind?"
"Well your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Cheney hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees and Cheney hangs up.
Cheney immediately calls members of his staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours but nobody can come up with the answer.
Finally, in desperation, Cheney calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now look here, Colin, your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately "It's me of course, you idiot"
Much relieved, Cheney rushes back to call Bush and exclaims, "I know the answer sir, I know who it is! It's Colin Powell."
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it's Tony Blair!"
Disorder in the American Courts
(These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Male Bashing
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah, but this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish." The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there?"
The genie laughed ad replied, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...How much steel!!!!...No. Think of another wish."
The genie replies, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Men
好男人，多數是醜的。
英俊的男人，多數很壞。
又英俊又好的男人，多數搞同性戀。
又英俊，又好，又很正常的男人，多數已經有老婆。
不英俊，但是好的，沒有錢。
不英俊，但是好的，又有錢的男人，多數以為你愛他們，是為了他們的錢。
英俊的男人，沒有錢，要和你交朋友，是為了你們的錢。
英俊的男人，又不太好，但是很正常的，多數認為你不夠漂亮。
認為你是漂亮，又是正常的男人，雖然溫柔又好，但多數不敢約你出去。
有點錢，有點英俊，有點正常，對你有點好，又是沒有老婆的男人，從來不 採取主動來約你。
不採取主動的男人，女人只好採取主動，這一下子可完了，他們以為你很cheap，不值得娶你做老婆。
Men are like mascara...
They usually run at first sign of emotion!
Without a lot of money they don't generate much interest!
At some point a savings bond will mature!
ET phoned home!
When is the only time a man thinks about a candle lit dinner?
When there is a power cut!
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
You cook, we eat!
What's the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they're drunk!
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
Nobody knows, since it has never happened
ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Rules Guys wish Women Knew
If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
Secret to a Happy Marriage
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once. "We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice. "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. "I started an angry protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once". "And we lived happily ever after"
男人回味愛情
初相識：她真美，如同天使。
戀愛時：她是世界上最好的姑娘，我一定要娶她！
結婚1年：我的老婆還不錯，稱得上是賢內助，只不過有些小毛病，偶爾也耍耍脾氣
結婚5年：她開始變得越來越俗不可耐，越來越蠻不講理。
結婚10年：她是世界上最醜最不近人情最不講道理的女人，當初我怎麼會娶她？
結婚20年：不計較那些缺點，除去脾氣太糟糕，她還勉強可以容忍。
結婚30年：有時候她也挺明白事理，挺懂感情，挺會料理生活的。
結婚40年：老伴真是不錯，持家有方，在外可獨擋一面，來世一定還要娶她。
她去世了：我真是說不出的難過，因為我失去了世界上最好的女人。
女人回味愛情
初相識：又笨又呆，真是十足的傻小子！
戀愛時：他太老實了，不過還挺聽話，讓人可憐，我會嫁給他嗎？
結婚1年：我的他還不錯，知書達理，又會體貼人，還有一點點魅力。
結婚5年：才發現他聰明絕頂，才華橫溢，超凡脫俗，非同一般。
結婚10年：他是世界上最好的人，真不知道如果沒有他，我該如何生活？
結婚20年：他可以稱道可以炫耀的地方真是越來越少了，充其量只能算是個男人
結婚30年：他的毛病越來越多，懶惰，愚訥，固執，無能。
結婚40年：整個又呆又笨的糟老頭，下輩子說啥也不能嫁他。
他去世了：這個死老頭子，害了我一生，撇下我就走了！
甚麼叫浪漫？明知那個女孩不愛他，還送給她999朵玫瑰；甚麼叫浪費？明知那個女孩愛他，還送給她999朵玫瑰。
(某青年作家定義浪漫與浪費)
男人從不擔心他的未來，直到他找到一個妻子；
女人常常擔心她的未來，直到她找到一個丈夫。
(青年女作家南鶯看男女關係)
婚姻不是1+1=2，而是05+05=1。
即：兩個人各削去自己的個性和缺點，然後湊合在一起。
(青年作家張弘的婚姻公式)
Between Husband & Wife
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy !"
"Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."
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Why?
Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. "Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
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Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking.
Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"
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Talk About Husband
One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"
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Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."
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Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."
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Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said.
"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet."
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Wife's Photos
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Marry A Fortune
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
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Giving up Seat
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
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Blind Date
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed ! up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
Wow! That's a very expensive car. What 's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
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Millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Warning
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
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Funny Question
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."
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Two coats
A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.
While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.
He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what's with her wearing the two coats?
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ''FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!''
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Blonde at the Doctor's Office
A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every single bone in her body.
"That's impossible!" says the doctor.
The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!"
She then touches her leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!"
Then she touches her arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!"
Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her composure as the tears start to roll down her face.
She says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body."
The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination.
"Well, miss," he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger."
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Have You Ever Wondered......
.... why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
.... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
.... why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
.... why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.... why doctors call what they do "practice"?
.... why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
.... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
.... why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
.... why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
.... who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
.... why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
.... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
.... why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
.... why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
.... why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
.... if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
.... why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts..)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
買內衣
有一天一位先生去幫他太太買內衣，因為他從來沒有幫他太太買過內衣，
所以他不知道要買哪一種size！
店員：木瓜？！
先生：No！No！
店員：蘋果？！
店員：蓮霧？！
先生: 再小一點！
店員：雞蛋？！
先生很高興的說
當店員了解後轉身去拿內衣時，那位突然大叫：
ID ten T Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"
"No," I replied.
.... I D 1 0 T
The Philosopher & the Engineer
A philosopher and an engineer were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. The engineer said to the philosopher, "Look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?" the engineer asked.
"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
逆向行駛
有一天，阿公要開車走高速公路去北部找兒子
阿婆心想，阿公車上的音響壞了，沒有辦法知道路況，所以在家就
忽然阿媽聽到有路況發生了︰「高速公路上有一輛車逆向行駛，請
阿媽很緊張，馬上打阿公的手機。阿媽︰「老伴，聽講高速公路有
阿公很憤慨的說︰「什咪一台，是骨啦百台
高速公路
一位70歲的ㄚ媽開著一部車載著3個也是ㄚ媽級的老人緩緩的開在
交通警察把他攔下來說:「ㄚ媽ㄚ,你開這麼慢,會影響交通的ㄝ」
開車的ㄚ媽講:「那個招牌不是寫20嗎?」
交通警察說:「那是20號公路啦!」
開車的ㄚ媽說:「喔? ?那是幾號公路而不是限速喔!」
交通警察說:「對啦,
開車的ㄚ媽回答:「我們剛剛從245號公路開過來ㄚ」